Control
by squarecreatures
Summary: Future fic, Elena has done so much to push Stefan away, after so many mistakes she's nearly back to herself after turning off the switch. But has Stefan and Elena's relationship been broken beyond repair? I have two more chapters left to work on this, please review :)
1. Chapter 1

A cool crisp summer breeze brushed her hair into the horizon, the cobbled gravestones and mossy plants were growing on meandered rocks that were strategically placed around the diseased. She stepped around them carefully, it made it harder to reach her destination. Walking on the hollow earth made her skin quiver, the thought of the amount of loved ones to leave here and pay respects to.

Things were not like they were when she used to reside here, her diary heavy and full with words that only made her the shell of who she was. And she remembered for a second this is where it began, near her parents grave, that faithful day that she met him, and her destiny unfolded.

There was no way to deny it, knowing him or not, it all was inevitable, the deaths, sacrifices, heart ache, and one thing was for sure, without him, she would not have bothered to fight, without him she would have openly accepted death, walked into the darkness and never looked back. But he did, he found her, and in a way, she pushed him into the darkness more than he familiarised her with it.

Finally she got there; she faced the tall limestone with the engravings that were permanently etched in her mind. _Miranda and Grayson Gilbert, loving parents and noble friends_. She remembered it from the first time she set eyes on it, dropping a rose into the earth and falling to her knee's beside their coffins.

But now the pain was even more raw, it cut through her, her senses would peak at these times, and only recently she learned to control it. Being a vampire was not a joke, she wanted to learn everything about being like him now, because she knew she could never embrace it the way his sibling lived, not after...everything. Even though in her transitional hue, she was stuck in a whirlwind of emotions that pulled her deeper into the quixotic world of vampirism until someone...the only one...pulled her through, even when she least deserved it. Now that was the only thing tearing her apart, him.

It had been days since she had spoken to him, he had given her the space to hunt and think for herself, it was part of it all, she supposed. Twelve steps to recovery, she could not depend on others, and as far as she was concerned now...his way...was the only way to live.

And for a while she had allowed Damon to control her feeding habits, encouraging her to drink from stolen blood bags and embrace the high, and on small occasions justifying the compulsion of innocent humans to feed on.

It was not right, nothing was right for a while and she now understood what Stefan had to deal with day in and day out, the guilt of using people for her own needs. Something Damon didn't seem to dwell on, and the fact that he allowed her to do so in her weakened infant vampire state was something she resented him for. It made her shut out the people she loved, Caroline, Bonnie, Jeremy and most of all Stefan.

Numerous times, when she and Damon had bickered, or the humanity would sneak up on her, she would break and run back to him. It was too unfair, all he had done was love her, even when she had kissed Damon on her blood high, when she had stripped him with her eyes in front of him. It was the blurr of want and emotion that possessed her and consumed her, when she was on it. That dark side if her protruding, and eventually she let it take over.

It was not right, it was not real, everything she promised herself she would never be had happened, and she had done it all in front of the man she truly loved, it was surely over now, he would never want her back. Not after he noticed it, not after he told her he couldn't do it anymore, watch her lust after his brother that so often undermined him and tried to pry his only joy from his grasp.

She couldn't even remember what she had said to him when she had turned off the switch. Morsels of memories would return to her, and break her. "I never loved you" ," I never needed you", "you don't know me" ...this wasn't her, and she hoped that Stefan would know this, like she had known it when he had turned ripper. She could only hope now, because she felt worse than him, she had killed more people now, she had betrayed him more than a dozen times, and in some ways she felt worse than Katherine.

That unsettling familiar feeling of emotions that merged together into hunger was starting to boil up inside her, but she recited his words, those sweet elegant words that only effected her coming from his mouth, his voice, his lips. _Breathe, just breathe in._

So she did, she unclenched her fists, letting the petals fall from her hands and she placed a kiss on her fingers to touch the glossy stone with them. Sending her love to her parents, and promising she will be back more often, more often now, because she was feeling better, she was feeling like Elena again.

* * *

Footsteps long and sluggish dragged across the Gilbert home, he checked every room for intruders, now that this was a vampires home it was less safe, he didn't like it. He dropped her usual supply of human blood into the fridge, enough to keep her going in moderation. Even though it had been just over two years since he had actually spent time with her in this house without trying to save her, protect her or watch over her, he still felt as though it was his home, more so than his own.

He knew every inch of it, every dent in the wood down to every compartment in the kitchen. But now it was different, these last few months had been hell for Stefan, seeing her acting the way she had been had torn him apart.

Running to the forest to drain out the thoughts of..._them_ and what they were doing could only keep him away for so long. Because truly he could never just leave her, even after he realized she had chosen _him,_ chosen to drink from the vein, chosen to betray herself. He couldn't just leave her though. He stayed because he didn't trust anyone to look after her like he could. She could stake him, hate him and even choose..._him. _and he still wouldn't be able to leave, she was his home.

He would stay, even if it hurt, he would never leave, he needed to know she was safe enough to control the blood, and then he would let them have their eternity if that's what she wanted, that was the least he could do for her. In the end her happiness was at the top of his agenda.

He turned on his heel at the idea, how good it would feel to just turn the switch off, he wouldn't have to carry his broken heart around, he wouldn't have to hold the tears back when he watched her relapse over and over. He wouldn't have to suffer in his room alone, when he heard her and Damon argue around the house among other things, but that thought, that cowardly thought made his skin quiver. Never. He would never leave her until he knew she was okay, and his feelings could not matter right now, all that mattered was her. His angel.

He left her some pastries and dinner to help her supplement her cravings, along with a huge bag of coffee to remind her too keep drinking it. Then he closed the door gently behind him, releasing a compressed breath into the cool summer air, catching one last glimpse of the hovering sun in the horizon. He decided to walk towards it, there didn't seem to be anything else to do at this time other than try and catch glimpses of what this beautiful earth had to offer, it soothed the pain of what he was. He could see things that most humans couldn't, true beauty, he thought Elena could see it too sometimes before she turned, he loved her for that, he saw so much beauty in her. Because she could see things most humans couldn't, the simplicity of nature, the beauty of it...and she embraced the feeling with him. He hoped she would find it again some day.

* * *

Elena pulled out various books from the shelves of the boarding house, picking a few that she knew she would enjoy, risking some different genres, hoping that it would take her mind away from other things for one night. Because loosing yourself in a story seemed like the only thing she could do to forget about the burdens she was carrying in her own life right now. She lounged on the sofa, hoping he would walk through the door. It had been a few weeks since she came to visit, but she felt lonely lately and needed to see his face. She felt better, she felt...in control. She wondered if this would be the night that he would believe that. Believe that she would not loose herself, that her emotions wouldn't make her act the way she had in the past.

She lost herself in Wuthering Heights, flicking to the chapters that she enjoyed the most, memorizing the lines that touched her deeply.

"_I cannot live without my soul, i am surrounded with his image_" her heart sunk as the words surrounded her, and unknowingly she threw the book against the wall with such force that the pages flew around the room. She couldn't understand how her body would act before she could stop herself, feeling confused about most of them in fact, but the only feeling that seemed to be clearest were the ones for Stefan. And she hated herself for only being able to see it when the blood was not clouding her judgement, when the blood was not scattering her vision.

"What did that book ever do to you?" she heard distantly in the recognized the voice immediately and Elena sat up nervously, embarrassed that he had seen her outburst.

"I was planning on reading that" he chuckled picking up one of the sheets from the carpet.

"I'm sorry, that book made me..." she met his eyes by accident and instantly regretted it "never-mind" she moved to the edge of the couch.

But suddenly he was in front of her, stroking the pad of his thumb on her cheek and looking deep into her eyes "Hey. Whats wrong?"

How did he do it, how did he know instantly what she was thinking, what she was going to say before she actually said it.

"I...I feel better Stefan" she moved her hand to touch his, she never felt more nervous in her life, she had never been so unsure about how he felt about her before, she knew he would always love her, but maybe what she had done was unforgivable. Maybe he had met someone else, maybe he was happier without her. She hated it, she hated herself.

"I know you do baby" the words slipped out helplessly from his lips and instantly he removed his hand. He didn't mean to do it, this was the closest he had gotten to the real Elena in weeks and he couldn't help but remember the times when it was just them, and how they helped each other, how they loved each other.

"I... I'm sorry about that. Its good, I think the worst is over now, you just need to keep an eye on it, did you-"

She interrupted him, placing her lips on his and grabbing him tightly, forcefully almost, Stefan reciprocated for a few moments before pulling away, tears welling in his eyes and he turned his back to her.

"Elena, please don't"

"Stefan..." she tried.

"Elena, I can't" he raised his voice, and lowered it almost instantly after realizing how it stung her.

"I'm sorry..i didn't mean..its just..." he paused for a minute and crossed his arms to compose himself, he looked at her beautiful eyes that seemed amplified now that she had turned, they were almost too much to take in all at once.

"Elena, I don't want this if its not real...if ..there's so much..." he stumbled, and looked at the floor stepping away from her.

"Stefan" she whispered.

"i'm...i'm so sorry about everything " she cried, it was out of control now, the veins coming to her eyes, replacing her tears, and he stepped to her quickly grabbing her shoulders.

"shhhh just breathe...breathe" he rubbed her shoulders and slowly, very slowly the blood faded and she nodded instantly melting into his soft touch.

"There's no need to rush this okay" he soothed, she nodded and caught the look on his face, he looked broken, she could finally see it. What she had done to him, he looked tired, broken, pale, defeated and most of all so sad. That happiness in his eyes that he used to wear around her was gone, his crooked smile had disappeared he was so...defeated. Elena took one last glimpse at him before she ran out of the boarding house in vampire speed, if she stayed any longer she would have convinced herself to switch off again, and if she did...who knew if she could ever be able to make it back.


	2. Chapter 2

Elena opened the curtains in the guest bedroom of the lakehouse. In her opinion it had the best view, or maybe she just wanted an excuse to sleep there. The other rooms reminded her of things in the past that only seemed worthless now that she was living here alone. This new routine gave her confidence, she felt in control again, that time of summer that allowed the sun to amplify the lakes beauty.

She could spend her nights beside to cool water and listen to the inertia around her. The simple elegance of nature made her feel human, her humanity was fully restored now and she knew it, she could feel it.

She had even started calling up Bonnie and Caroline for the latest mystic falls events, asking about school and what she was missing, the next dance, how Bonnie was getting on with her powers that were slowly returning and on some occasions she asked about how Stefan was. But he seemed to have slipped off the radar lately, which was unusual considering he had started becoming close knit with Caroline when Elena had turned. She hadn't spoken to him since the night at the boarding house, and the thought that he didn't care about what she had told him scared her, she wanted to avoid those feelings for as long as possible until she was sure she could handle them alone.

She always felt jealous that Caroline was able to tell her more about what was going on in Stefans life, and lately she wondered if something might be going on between them seen as Tyler was gone and they had always had that close relationship since he was there to support her during her infancy to the blood lust. She had never wondered about it before, but now it plagued her mind and threatened to push her over the edge.

But she couldn't blame him, how could he love her now, he loved the old Elena, the one who was rational, who would never betray him, the girl who loved all living life, the girl who promised to love him unconditionally. But now she thought, he felt obliged to help her through transition and control, there would be no cause for him to still love her after everything she had managed to put him through. There was once a time when she never would have questioned the infinity of his love for her, but everything seemed so confusing as a vampire, and the time that they were together and happy seemed so far away and so long ago.

She felt as though she had betrayed his trust, broken his heart and then run back to do it all again knowing he would not reject her. How could anything be the same again between them, she knew if he had altercations with Caroline, she would never be able to look at him again, she would be sick. But yet, she had managed to kiss his brother...be intimate with his brother and reject any interventions he tried to encourage upon her. She had managed to say anything and everything to break him during her blood induced rage and he just took it, she could not believe herself, she did not understand herself.

Elena broke out of her daze and began to get ready for her early morning walk...actually more like leisurely sprint, but she considered that a walk now, part of her routine before hunting, followed by writing in her journal beside the fire. It was therapeutic and for the first time in a very long time, she embraced the time she had alone with her thoughts.

She pulled up her jeans and slung a t shirt on, she didn't feel the cold like she used to, so wearing light attire seemed like a wise option. Being a vampire allowed her body to be sleeker, more refined, she admired herself in the mirror, scars that were once there had faded, her hair glossy and highlighted by every beam falling on her from the window, her eyes a crystal hazel color. She brushed her hair quickly and inspected her neck, that painful scar that was once there from Stefan was gone...it was symbolic of their relationship she thought as she ran her fingers down her neck. It was once a painful reminder of how he had changed, but now it was just a reminder of how she had lost him.

Stepping back, she continued to inspect herself, she looked healthy and endearing, but she knew inside, there was nothing alive, except the hunger that calls at her at every second of the day. There was no heat pumping through her veins snd she felt no warmth when the sun touched her skin, she was just...like when her parents died...a shell of what Elena used to be.

Elena pulled on her converse, swung open the back door, took a deep breath inhaling the crisp summer breeze, and just like that she was gone, a blur faded into the woods and left a trail of dust behind her.

* * *

He finally arrived, he had walked there, which took him the entire night, he had heard from Caroline that she had been staying there. And he couldn't help himself; he had to know if she was okay. He didn't know why he hadn't driven, walking seemed like the only way to think properly, and otherwise he might have turned back.

_She doesn't want you here, she chose him, shes doing fine_ But something in the pit of Stefan's stomach told him he needed to be here, and something drew him here.

He saw the back door was opened and he stepped in slowly, admiring the fresh fruit laid out on the table, smirking to himself that she had taken his advice on eating healthy nutritious food, because it lasted longer than just snacks and junk, three meals a day he remembered repeating over and over. He moved to the living room, he couldn't hear her, and judging by the open door, maybe she wouldn't be long.

He saw her journal, it was open on the coffee table with a pen sitting on it, she was writing again, it all seemed surreal. A few months ago he had to pin her to the wall behind the grill before she sunk her teeth into one of the bar maids. Now she was writing, she was eating, she was...living.

"Stefan?" he turned quickly, seeing her face at the door, he was speechless, she looked more beautiful than ever.

"I..." he choked on his words as he scanned her face, she looked down nervously and saw her opened journal sitting beside him. Instantly he read her puzzled expression.

"Don't worry I didn't" he met her eyes again, trying to show his sincerity through his clouded astonishment on how she looked. She seemed to read his dace and she nodded, remembering instantly that she had invaded his privacy on many of his journals in the past. But she was sure that he would never do the same to her, unless he had a good reason to.

"I...I just wanted to...to see"

"to see if I'm still in the land of the living?" she interrupted with a hint of disappointment in her voice.

"Yeah" he confirmed, slipping his hands in his pockets.

"I'm fine" she replied, she moved to the counter to pour some coffee.

"Here" she handed him a mug.

"Thank you" he moved to take a seat on the couch, sipping his coffee nervously.

"Thank you, I know your worried that I might...turn that switch off, but I'm fine" her voice cracked at the end of her sentence and she swallowed hard.

She looked down, avoiding his eyes, knowing she would fall apart if she let herself think she had another chance with him.

"How's Caroline and Bonnie?" she asked, she already knew, but she wanted to break the awkward silence between them.

"Fine, they miss you" he pressed his lips together, realizing that he was speaking for himself too.

"I miss them" she said quickly, bushing it off straight away.

"When are you planning on coming home" he asked anxiously, trying to ignore how final her previous statement was.

"I think I might stay here for a while, I'm doing better here, Mystic falls has...too many memories" Stefan took a few seconds to register this, and his anger got the better of him.

"Elena you cant run away from it forever" he raised his voice, and set the coffee on the counter to turn and face her. He was more speaking about how she had left things with Damon..how she hadn't spoken to Jeremy in months, how she had cut off every tie and just left. It scared him.

"I cant?" she asked confused and astonished that he was so annoyed about it.

"You need to deal with everything not run from it" he tried to explain, but the pain had hit him and he knew that she could see him, she could always see him.

"Like you did?" she asked brazenly.

"Elena..."

"Stefan I'm just saying you did the same thing once, and maybe its best that I just be alone for a while" she said with a gush of hope flowing through her that he would try and give her a reason not to.

"Is that what you really want Elena? To be alone?"

"Stefan I think we both know what I want" she looked into his eyes, seeing that he was so broken, that he was so tired of having to hide his feelings from her. It took everything inside her to stop herself from moving into his strong arms and just admitting how much she needed him , how much she hated herself for everything.

"no I have no idea what is going on in your mind and it scares me Elena, it scares me, I don't know who you are anymore, sometimes you're there and sometimes you're not, I don't want to believe the Elena that hides behind the blood" Stefan backed away knowing he had said too much, his intention was to confront her about leaving Jeremy, Caroline...her home, but he was really talking about him.

"Stefan, I am Elena, it's me I promise, I know now, I know how to control it" quickly he brushed passed her to leave, nodding as he held back the tears.

"I don't want to be alone Stefan, I only want to be alone if you're not in my life" she cried. She stood from where she was sitting, she couldn't watch him leave. It would hurt too much, all she wanted was for him to stay, as a friend, as an ex boyfriend or whatever he was to her now.

Suddenly though, she felt his chest press against her back, his hand falling down her arm, his finger tips gliding on her smooth skin, he inhaled her beautiful scent, skimming his nose in her hair. She was used to vampire speed, she was used to being surprised, but he still took her breath away.

"Elena" he whispered in her ear, Elena's breathing caught, he was barely touching her, but the way he said her name made her body heat and she couldn't control it. That was the only thing that sent her over the edge, her feelings for him, they were too powerful. She quickly slipped away, tears falling down her face, she placed her palm on her mouth to control her breathing.

"Is it always going to feel like this Stefan" she confessed, he knew what she meant, trying to separate hunger from want, love, passion, desire were two different things.

"no 'Lena, just breathe, don't think, just breathe" he walked carefully in front of her. She shut her eyes, her skin quivered, she knew what was coming next and the anticipation made it unbearable.

The veins still lifted under her eyes, her tears falling freely now, her fangs descending and her thirst becoming more and more unbearable.

"shhhh" he placed one hand gently into hers, and ran his other under her eyes. His touch, all so soothing, and confiding all at once. She felt safe under his touch, she opened her eyes and instantly found his searching hers. Suddenly all she could focus on were his lips, his beautiful face, she couldn't resist him, everything about him made her want him so much more. His olive skin, his golden hair, his green eyes, they all seemed more beautiful than before. She felt alone even though he was so close, but she could feel every emotion possible by his presence.

"Stefan" she begged in an exhale, trying to move away, knowing if she stayed she would loose herself, but instantly he brushed his lips on hers for a soft kiss that lingered above her lips for a long moment after. It was everything, he was everything, suddenly the world had been slipped back on its axis and she felt like everything was still there, there was still something to fight for. That feeling that she once had when they had first met, the feeling that made her want to live every day to the full, because he was in it. Because he made her whole.

But suddenly her body moved on her own accord, his scent was enriching, his body that seemed to seep into hers even only inches away from her. She lost the battle, her mind and her body were two different things, she grabbed his face and pulled him to hers for a searing kiss. But this time Stefan didn't pull away, he wrapped his arms around her waist tightly and searched for her tongue releasing a soft moan into her mouth. Like fuel to fire, she slammed him against the wall, tearing his shirt slightly and biting his lip.

"ELENA!" he shouted and suddenly she was pinned against the wall, trying to catch her breath, the last few seconds a complete blur. Tears fell from her eyes when she saw Stefan's concern.

"I'm, I'm...so sorry Stefan" he shook his head no and pressed his head against hers.

"No...'Lena it's okay, I know what you're going through" she continued crying, she couldn't believe she had just done that, she felt as though she had hurt him, but she reminded herself how much older he was compared to her, so he could take it. But emotionally, she felt as though she had made the same mistake she had made with Damon, given into her blood lust and reveled in it with him.

"I'm sorry Stefan" she leaned closer into his embrace.

"Elena, it will get better I promise", his words felt cold, final, like he had never come here to mend their already tragic relationship all she could do was try to believe him, he had never broken his promises to her before. Even when she thought he was lying in the past, when he seemed to be hiding something, it was all for her, he would never make a promise he couldn't keep. Stefan held her tightly against the wall until she calmed herself.

"Stefan please stay tonight" she asked when his grip loosened around her wrists.

He nodded against her cheek, closing his eyes at the closeness that was between them, while thinking as well that he was going to get hurt.


	3. Chapter 3

He never left, in fact he had somehow unknowingly meshed his own routine into hers. Although they barely said more than 5 words to each other whenever they would meet, he was still there. The pain of the last few months still lingered under the surface, but still he could not bring himself to leave her.

They would brush past in the hallways during the day, smiling an awkward hello as they sauntered through their daily check list. It felt strangely normal to be so near each other yet not say a word, the occasional 'good morning' and 'how are you' sufficing in moments here and there. But their presence together alone was something that was healing the wounds of the past and in some cases confirming the promise of the future.

In the morning she would walk, bringing back interesting flowers she would find along the way, sometimes she sat to watch him swim. He noticed her only a few times. Occasionally they would run into each other hunting, and would silently sit to watch as the sun set over the lake. Stefan knew she would approach him when the time was right. Meanwhile he noticed every change in her step, every trait that enriched her personality seemed magnified now that she had embraced herself as a vampire. He felt drawn to her and sometimes would watch her as she meditated near the water and scribble in her diary.

As the days passed, their movements slowed, they would sway near each other when they met, he would whisper goodnight before he fell asleep, and hear her return it although they were in separate rooms. More and more they would meet at sunset unintentionally, but both seeking to find each other at this time, and find themselves leaning closer and closer as the sun set.

On this particular night though, the air was cooler, they could see their breaths. It had been days since they had exchanged more than a greeting or a polite question. Elena closed her eyes and fell back in the soft grass, running her fingers through it. Noticing the swirly orange and green colors in the sky resembling a desert she once loved. Under her eyelids she could see the light fade away, another day had ended and night was beginning, she wondered how many of these she would see, would she enjoy it as much as she enjoyed it now? Beside Stefan, would they be different together, would they have figured everything out? Would he love her again?

She could feel him collapse beside her, the grass shifting slightly beside her, his breathing slowing as he enjoyed the final beams of light ellipsing from the sun.

"Do you still feel the same about sunsets?" she asked casually, even though it had been the most either of them had said in a long while.

"Yes. Those things will never go if you don't let them" he replied as though he had just been thinking about the same thing before she asked.

"Why would one want to let something as simple as the sun setting go?" she asked curiously.

Stefan turned his head to look at her, her eyes still focused on the fading light in the sky.

"Because sometimes beauty can cause pain Elena" he turned his head back.

Elena opened her eyes wide and her hand skimmed his accidentally, but neither moved away from the touch.

"When do you feel pain Stefan?" she was looking at him now, hoping he would not avoid the answer she needed to hear.

He took a long moment before answering.

"You don't realize Elena that you are the most beautiful person I know, and sometimes, that brings me pain." Elena's heart raced, it made her physically ache, she didn't know how to respond. She simply laid there waiting for him to continue.

Stefan rolled over slightly, his arm touching hers now, his face was so close to hers, it made her nervous. He moved his hand to touch her cheek, it made every muscle in her body tingle from his simple gesture.

"But i will never let someone like you go" he whispered and left a small kiss on her shoulder.

"How can you still look at me after everything Stefan?" Stefan shifted his facial features, his brow was furrowed as though he was disappointed in her for forgetting anything he had said to her in the past. He moved above her, hovering over her body with his arms holding his weight on either side of her shoulders.

"Because I know who you really are Elena" he said with complete and full confidence as he gazed into her eyes. Her hand wandered to his lips, her fingers traced them slowly, he settled some of his weight on hers, automatically fitting between her legs. She ran her fingers passed his jaw and over his shirt. Her skin quivering, her lips trembling, his body was inching closer to hers.

He moved his lips to meet hers, slowly caressing her's, allowing more of his weight to fall, for the first time ever, he was not afraid of his strength around her. He knew he couldn't hurt her, his weight would be like a feather above her, his movements would not be a threat to her fragile body. It would be different, but far more enjoyable to caress her body now, they were equally powerful, she knew what he was capable of with his strength, as he was with hers. Elena ran her fingers through his hair, her lungs nearly empty as the kiss filled her with the most amazing sensation's she had ever felt. He pulled away to meet her eyes.

"Wow" their eyes locked together now, magnets as they lay focused on each other.

"That was you Elena" she pressed her lips together finally understanding what he meant. Separating love from hunger, separating want from intimacy. This was real. This was the real her.

"Stefan" the tears fell from her eyes and he fell back on her lips again as their kiss intensified. The sun finally sinking into the lake and leaving them with the moon for illumination. They stayed for most of the night in that place before parting ways in the house.

* * *

A few more days passed, each one bringing them closer and closer together. Sunsets were a ritual now as they lay on the grass and snuggled into each other , kissing tenderly but still innocently until it was dark. Still they slept in separate beds, and Elena was thankful and frustrated with that at the same time. On one hand she wanted to wake up in his arms, watch him sleep, tell him she loved him...make love to him. But on the other, still feeling weak under his kisses, still feeling the guilt at a constant pull on her emotions when he was sweet to her, when he held her hand or kissed her cheek. She wasn't strong enough to deal with that yet, _one day at a time_, she recited to herself and remembering who had always told her that from the very beginning. They could be okay, but still so much had to be said.

He came back one day after a particularly vigorous exercise session in the woods and paused when he saw her in the distance, dipping her feet into the lake and looking melancholy. He strolled over to her, all the while absorbing how beautiful she looked as she bathed her feet off the dock, the one in which at one point she asked him about their future together optimistically. He never thought they would be here like this now, rebuilding the pieces of their lost relationship.

But as he approached her, removing his shoes and socks to sit beside her he didn't care, that was in the past, there could still be a future left for them if they both wanted to try. Slipping his fingers through hers, she squeezed them and sighed as her feet did a light paddle in the water next to his.

"I thought it was really me...I thought, I was supposed to be that person" she said quietly, almost to herself, but he knew she was trying to open up to him.

"I didn't want to feel that way, but when I did, everything seemed to much easier, I didn't have to feel..._guilty_ anymore" whispering the latter, she swallowed and squeezed his hand simultaneously. He looked at her confused but said nothing.

"I didn't have to be ashamed of how good it felt to feed off some innocent human, to compel them into forgetting what I had taken from them" her voice broke.

"And the only person who told me it was okay...was _him" _A tear slipped down her cheek and she swallowed through the lump in her throat.

"I knew it wasn't right, but it felt so right Stefan...I don't want to lie" she turned to him and he wiped the tear from her face with the back of his fingers. Nodding he mouthed "I know" to her and looked back to the water.

"And then I thought that being like him was who I was. I thought it was what I felt when you left me to go with Klaus, I knew he would..._let me._ I was so confused about who had really died Stefan" her breath was getting quicker "I thought...I thought I could be like him. I thought the Elena you loved died in the car that night. But i wasn't...I didn't...I wasn't" Elena sobbed and leaned into Stefan's shoulder. He held her, and kissed her hair, knowing that in her abandoned state at the time, his brother was the only one that could reach her, because he had no barriers when it came to blood. And Elena wanted that too, but ultimately found herself loosing it like he had so many times.

He held her there until the stars came out, and finally they collected their shoes and socks and made their way to their respective beds. They said their usual good nights from the opposite sides of the house. But tonight Stefan couldn't sleep, he could only think of one thing throughout the night, he thought about how much she had changed these past few months. How wonderful the past few weeks at the lake had been, their little nest, _her _sanctuary that was now _his _sanctuary simply because she was here. He thought about how he still loved her, and about how hopeless he was for her. It was clear she had probably slept with Damon but he didn't want to ask. He didn't want to know, but at the end of the day that was what was keeping him at a distance, he couldn't, _wouldn't_, be able to forget that.

As much as he wanted her...and god her really did...he promised himself a long time ago that he would never share again, he would never be cheated again. He tried to push that thought out of his mind for now as he listened to her breathing slow, and it soothed him to hear it like he once ached to before. Still torn, Stefan pulled out his journal and wrote until the sun came up.

* * *

One night they found themselves sitting on the couch together, Elena's head on his lap as he drank some whiskey and watched the fire. She was reading and mindlessly running her hands up and down his arm. The picture that was painted before him was pure bliss, what he imagined they would be doing maybe if she hadn't turned, simply absorbing each others presence. But still as close as they had gotten lately, there was a line neither of them had crossed yet, so while this setting was humble and comforting, there was still a massive piece missing in the center, the most fragile part.

She had actually cooked tonight, although it was simple, just pasta carbonara and salad, she was proud of herself for not managing to burn anything and the food was actually edible. She made sure to remind Stefan of that fact as he tucked in to the meal and grinned over at her, remembering how disastrous she usually was at cooking. She lightly slapped his shoulder after a few playful insults and continued grating the cheese while he chuckled at her.

"What are you thinking?" he asked when he realized she had stopped reading and was focusing on his hand that was now laced between her fingers.

"I was just thinking...about how much better I feel" she said quietly, but she still seemed deep in thought. He sighed and ran his hand through her hair and started rubbing her shoulders softly.

"You are" he said softly, noticing how beautiful she looked sprawled out on the couch with her head turned, showing him her long sleek neck and her beautiful flawless skin.

After a while Elena shifted so he could continue rubbing her back, slowly purring her appreciation as he continued. Stefan chuckled and began to enjoy hearing her pleasurable sounds as he moved lower down her back. "That feels amazing" she cooed, moving her own arm down his leg to graze her nails on his bare feet.

Stefan stopped to think about what was slowly unraveling around him, he found himself extremely torn, not wanting to over react to the extremely provocative situation happening around him. Her moans and sounds of appreciation were beginning to get the better of him and he could feel it stirring below.

He stopped and stiffened, and Elena noticed him a minute and realizing what she had done. She searched for his hand and held it until his breathing returned to normal.

Elena grasped on to this precious moment of weakness and turned her head to his chest lacing her arms around his waste she snuggled next to him hoping they could just sleep this way for tonight. Even just for tonight. She missed him, the thought of leaving and returning to her lonely bed tonight made her heart ache. Stefan sighed in resignation, maybe he was fed up too, of fighting this pull between them, maybe he was tired of being hurt, maybe he trusted her enough now to see that she really was back. And she had always been his. Neither couldn't decide and they both pushed it away to the back of their minds as they drifted into slumber on the couch.


	4. Chapter 4

Stefan opened his eyes to find Elena watching him. With a hint of a smile on her lips, she ran her fingers through the hair at his nape and sighed contently. Since their fist couch sleepover they hadn't been able to stop sleeping next to each other. It was unspoken, like everything else that was happening around them to do with their relationship. Both of them knew why, but sometimes things were better left to percolate, evolve in a different way, and even if it wasn't a good idea, they both remained silent about what was actually happening between them. From the lingering touches when they parted ways, to the gazes they shared when they thought the other wasn't looking.

"Morning" he mumbled sleepily into her hair and Elena snuggled closer to his side. The couch was cramped, but it was just another excuse to make them snuggle closer, the draft from the chimney wasn't pleasant but it was bearable considering they both didn't need much warmth to make them comfortable. The routine of pretending to fall asleep in each other's arms was becoming 'a thing' now; until one person was willing to break the unspoken agreement of not bringing up the past between them.

"How did you sleep?" he asked, mindlessly running his fingers through her long silky hair. He remembered the days when they would do this together for hours, when she even taught him how to dry her hair, and on one occasion she let him do it even though he got it completely wrong. It was so intimate and easy between them back then and so them to do something so cheesy together.

"mmmm" she mumbled as she hugged him tighter. Stefan chuckled and held her closer. They stayed that way until they hesitantly parted ways and went for their usual hunting routines.

When Elena returned, she smiled as she removed her coat to find Stefan busy at work making lasagne. He had left some flowers on the dining table and lit a tall scented candle beside it. It still warmed her how much he did for her throughout the time they had spent together here at their getaway. She sometimes thought it was a lot like Alcoholics Anonymous, the final few steps of recovery, a halfway house with her sponsor.

Breathing in the relaxing aroma that was wafting from the candle she took a moment to appreciate how it was times like this that made her realise what she wanted out of life, which he made real for her every day by doing human things like make dinner and bring her flowers. He reminded her she could still have a normal life. But, it was still so hard to accept his love, to feel loved and to feel worthy of being loved like this. And when she thought about him, watching him smile up at her contently as he poured on another layer of mince to the lasagne, a rush of guilt washed over her and she felt it again. The thirst.

That thirst began an overpowering need that made her throat burn, her knees weaken, there was no blood in this room, but she wanted it.

"_Do it Damon" He smiled that devilish smile, his eyes hooded over, and deep, deep grey crystals made her see herself through the reflection in his eyes. He let his fangs sink into her again, so gently and precise she felt a long tingle rumble down her spine, deeper this time; she could feel the blood being drained from her. Good, it felt so good to connect with him like this. She didn't have to pretend this way._

"_aahhhhh" she cried, feeling his teeth sink into her skin again and kissing the mark that was left behind before it healed around his lips._

_Eye's stared at her, a young girl with blonde hair that looked almost the image of Jenna haunted her from the corner of her eye. She could see the fear in her eyes, feel the pain beating in her pulse. But Elena could move that aside, she put it to the edge of her mind. Raising the girls chin to reveal the carotid artery already so badly damaged, she inspected it with a wicked smirk knowing how far away she would be able to take herself when she emptied this body of every drop of blood._

"_Baby I think she's had enough" Damon mumbled as he kissed her neck and pulled the strap of her night gown lower down on her shoulder. Baby...She smiled, remembering another Salvatore using that for her once. But she felt nothing, not even the image of his face would take her away from numbness she felt surrounding herself. Not even that memory of him and what he represented to her whenever she thought of him could make her return to reality._

"_No!" Elena snapped back at him before diving in full force and missing the crucial point of contact completely. She could hear a snap and a small cry before digging in harder to find that artery that she needed to bring her out of herself._

"_Elena" Damon whispered in a disgusted voice, but Elena didn't respond._

"_Elena!" she heard again._

"_Elena Stop!"_

"Hey" Elena snapped out of her reverie and began to recognise her surroundings again.

"Hi" he whispered, looking at her with those green emeralds. She melted into him instantly, forgetting what was once paging her mind, she opened her arms to embrace him.

"Hi" she breathed. Stefan pulled back to stare at her a moment before wiping his hands on a nearby dish towel and pulling her back in for a deeper more tentative hold. His arm's enveloped her, his face buried so tightly into the crook of her neck for a few long moments she could almost block out the world, before he pulled back to look at her with soft understanding eyes.

"What's wrong?" he asked bringing his hand to cup her cheek all the while caressing it lightly with his thumb as he did. Elena's lips curled at the gesture, but she felt her eyes contradicting the smile on her face, he was always so good at soothing her, supporting her even when she didn't ask for it.

"Just..." she hesitated for a moment before she actually did ruin the romantic moment he was trying to create for them so sweetly. She didn't want to bring up the past, but could they really live like this...together? Like they had been the past 4 weeks and really not talk about the past? The things she shared with Damon, which she would never share with Stefan. Would that be okay? Could they get past everything that had happened between them?

"I just-" before she could say anymore, Stefan held both of her cheeks and brought his head to rest on hers. He sighed deeply before bringing his lips to hers softly. It was almost as if he had been waiting to kiss her all day, maybe even all these weeks, or all the time they had been apart. The kiss was sweet, so full of resolve; Elena's body slumped into his firm hold around her waist with the passion he brought to their lips pressed together.

Slowly Stefan tentatively traced her bottom lip with his tongue before smoothly coaxing her lips open for a taste of her tongue. Elena's breath caught; he hadn't kissed her like this in so long, not since the flip was switched. Her arms extended to circle around his neck. His lips went from tender to firm and the kiss deepened slowly, with a small moan Elena pressed her body to his for more contact.

She tried to hold back, oh she did. She wanted to show Stefan how much she wanted this, that she was stronger than ever, that this was the real Elena, she wasn't seeing blood she was seeing only him, feeling only him.

Her hands crept up the ridge of his back, and Stefan let a groan softly escape into the small crevice on her mouth before moving to her cheek, her neck, her shoulder. Elena was breathless, taking a step back to the counter behind her with one hand under his shirt and the other supporting her stay upright. He followed her, tongue gently probing, caressing hers, hands running smooth circles on the ridge of her back, lips locked tight on the small sensitive flesh behind her ear; he let out a breathy sigh when her hands came around to his stomach and slowly ran up to rest on his chest.

"Elena" he breathed, they both gazed for a moment, breathless from the kiss that seemed like their first. He dived in once again for a full open mouthed, knee weakening kiss, and his hands were unexpectedly moving upwards to explore her breast over the white string top she had worn hunting. Elena laced her fingers through his hand that was now roaming over her left breast, just over her heart. She wanted this, and Elena felt a little panic when they stared again, those beautiful eyes showed a dept of emotion only Stefan could show and she wanted him to want her like he once did. Her hand squeezed his tighter against her sensitive flesh before running her fingers through his hair and letting her teeth nip at his bottom lip into his kiss.

One turn, a super human push, their bodies pressed closer together and they fell back into the kitchen table, slowly folding over the edge of the wooden slab, her leg's circled his waist. Her back threatening to roll on the plate of homemade guacamole, his hand knocked over the breadsticks he had laid out in a tall drinking glass, the glass rolled around the table. Their breathy sighs were all that could be heard in the small kitchen.

Elena revelled in the way he touched her, she could feel everything, his hands; perfect, soft, gently roaming her skin under the material of her string top, slowly and tentatively, and rhythmically suggesting things that she had been pining for from him. His lips, always deceiving her, his tongue playing and teasing with hers before changing his direction again to pay more attention to her neck, her chin, chest, cheeks. She felt utterly devoured, in a good way of course, she writhed against him, loving how his body pressed so perfectly into hers. Loving how he knew just the right way to touch her.

"mmmm" she let escape from her lips as his mouth continued to explore her chest.

_Blood_. Her breathing picked up, her teeth began to play with his neck. She could feel the thirst run through her, there was that line again. _Thirst._ But still Elena couldn't stop. Her hand flipped them over and brought everything along with them from the table, it sent them to the kitchen floor where she kissed down his neck and again grazed her sharp now extended canines against his soft olive skin. She wanted...something...She wanted blood, she wanted _his_ blood.

"Stop" he hissed.

_Was that Stefan? _She thought distantly.

"Elena" she could hear again and felt a hand pushing her away.

_No..._

When she finally came two, she looked up at Stefan and instantly regretted ever thinking she could trust herself around him. He was sitting up, holding her wrists away from his body defensively.

"Stefan, I-" Elena reached for him but he recoiled , turning his face away with his breaths still arriving in short pants.

"You did that with him didn't you?" he rolled his body over to allow her thighs to loosen around his waist and move her off of him. Elena rolled over and stayed fixated on the ceiling.

"Yes" she whispered. They lay there in silence for a moment before Stefan stood to turn off the oven. Some smoke was billowing from the oven and he opened a window to let some of it escape.

"Stefan" she tried again gently, she pushed herself on an elbow to look at him from where he was standing next to the kitchen window.

"Why did you want to do it with me?" he questioned with some conviction, his face was contorted with sadness.

"I...I- I didn't mean to Stefan. I get these...these" she could feel her throat closing up, it was difficult to speak about these emotions because she knew deep down inside that he knew she had experienced this with Damon.

"When I'm with you" she rephrased.

"I feel the urge to feed, like what I'm feeling when we kiss makes me intuitively want...more."

Thinking again, she realised as well that there was another reason for wanting his blood.

"I get these urges. I get so confused when we cross a certain point and...you have been drinking more human blood lately too, I can still sense that, somehow."

Stefan nodded in understanding. But she could still see that he was having trouble getting his head around the reality that she was still really struggling with blood.

After what seemed like forever, Elena stood and walked to the counter he was leaning on. He was still closed off, his arms were folded and he was still deep in thought, focusing on the mess that was on the ground from moments ago.

"I don't want to be that way with you" she said gently, reaching for his forearm.

"I don't want to bloodshare like that with you"

"How many times did you have to sleep with him to figure that out?" Stefan said with bitterness in his voice that she hadn't expected. He started to pace the room, and she knew he was dealing, coming to terms with the line they were intending to cross between them. Maybe a line he thought they would never get to cross again.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean that" he said, his eyes glazed, he continued walking in circles as Elena stood and watched.

"Wait Stefan" she walked towards him to stop his pacing.

"No, you need to tell me how you're dealing with all this too" her hand came up to cup his cheek.

"Stefan, I know I will spend the rest of my life trying to prove to you how much I love you and how big of a mistake I made" she whispered.

"It wasn't your fault" he answered in a barely audible, tortured voice. Looking at her with distant eyes, his mouth in a fine line, he turned from her and began to make his way to the back door.

"I'm sorry Elena"

"We need to talk about these things" she countered quickly, hoping he wouldn't give up on her now, not after how far they had come after these incredible 4 weeks.

"It's you Stefan" her voice began to fail her "I want to have forever with you...cant you see that?"

He couldn't raise his head to look at her, his hand still on the handle of the door, he took a long breath and turned it slowly before leaving her in the kitchen alone.

It took, four hours, four hours for him to come back. He slipped through the door, all the lights were off. But he could hear her breathing, it was slow, drawing in and out of her lungs at such a slow rate, yet she wasn't asleep. When she was, it would pause for longer between inhale and exhale.

He moved around the couch and saw her lying there, hugging a pillow closely to her chest, one spot of the material was darker, near her face. Her tears had soaked through the material of the pillow but she wasn't crying anymore. She lay there silently watching the candle on the table trying to stay a light as it drowned in a pool of wax.

She didn't look up when he reached from around the couch and ran his fingers down her cheek, his hand treated softly over her tear stained skin. He bent slowly and kissed just below her eyes. Each one individually, tentatively, he soothed her pained face with his lips. He was leaning over the couch from behind, that candle was still flickering, fighting for life. Batting his face with its last ounce of glow. His hand reached down to hers slowly, smoothing down her arm and reaching for the ring he had given to her when she turned. When they watched her first sunrise together as an immortal. Before she had drifted so far away; it was the only good thing he could remember before everything had happened.

Just as that candle began to die, Stefan brought her hand to his lips and kissed the ring that kept her safe from the rays of the sun. He breathed on it, remembering what he had meant when he gave her that ring. Remembering what it symbolized for them.

And that moment at sunset near the quarry when she told him she never wanted this life, never wanted to be like him. They both lost the light that day, stumbled from their path together. He staggered to the blood; he gave in to his demon. She collapsed into the darkness, fell into different arms. But now, was there a new day for them? Or would they hide in the darkness, alone in the world. Could they return to that sunrise on the roof of the boarding house with the hope to take everything one day at a time. _Hope. _

Stefan traced the lapis lazuli with his thumb as his lips moved to her ear and he whispered gently.

"Forever" and she knew instantly what he meant by that. Their sunset together when she was human, when she told him she never wanted to turn. Her first sunrise as a vampire, she chose. Chose to fight in spite of what she was, that her actions are what set things in motion. And now they were together again, at a different point in life, perhaps stronger than ever.

Elena nodded sighing deeply into the hand that was caressing her cheek; he climbed over the couch and settled himself behind her. She lifted her head as he slipped his arm under the nook of her neck and wrapped his other arm around her waist. They spooned silently; Elena cried a few times and whispered I'm sorry. She could feel his head shaking no on her back, and she gripped him harder.

They whispered all night, crying together, tears of happiness, some tears of sadnees.

"I missed you" "God I missed you" "I thought you left me" "I could never leave you" "don't give up on me" "Love you" "Love you so much"

She curled into him, exhausted. But still she couldn't help but gaze at him sleeping.

She decided then and there that she would never revisit that place again. Looking down at her ring, it had a new purpose now; it was a forever with Stefan that she wanted. And on some level that she didn't want to admit to herself as a human, she wanted to have him forever. Cuddling tighter into his chest, she let everything go. She let the past be the past, and allow their future start from here. This will be their begging she thought as she felt his hand rub her lower back to lull her into sleep.


End file.
